"Ranting? Who Me?"
Well, as I write this, I am officially on Day 22 of my 40 days of pressing in to really know Father God better (read the March Journal if you don't know what I'm talking about): March Issue. Now I know how impressive this sounds. After all, I should be on day 40 (tomorrow) May 17th, Ascension Day. The truth is I have not been consistent in my study time and some days I seem to get 'stuck' on one of them. More about being stuck later. I know many of you can identify with my human-ness on these issues so here's another one. I have never even liked answering questions from books or ever really tried to write them down. I would, maybe, read the question and then quickly move on to reading the rest of the book. I know some of you would never have thought of doing this but, well, there it is. But because I have purposed in my heart I need to do this, I have to know Him more, I am pressing on...and in. So here's what happened on the way to Day 22 when I got stuck.......
Monday morning, 14 May, Day 21. (Page 128 if you are doing Therese Marszalek's 40 Days book) Scripture Focus: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Question: What is my Father speaking to me through this Scripture? My Answer: I need to remember 'daily' that my thoughts and ways are based on my 'very limited' understanding while God's thoughts and ways are based on 'The Big Picture', the 'MASTER PLAN!'. Now I thought this sounded really good and that I ALWAYS trusted God. I had my own version of what this scripture meant and I was safe and okay with it. Therese then goes into her Devotion Story of a personal event in her life (I really enjoy reading her personal life stories) where a woman who turned into a very dear friend shared her life and journey with Therese through a horrible illness and yes, even after much prayer, this woman dies. Well Therese had an awesome way of wrapping up Day 21 but I sort of went sideways with answering her Reflection questions.
Reflection Question 1: Have I ever lost a loved one whose death made no sense to me? Have I suffered another loss that I didn't understand? Explain.
My Answer: Well, I really did start an answer but then it turned into a rant with God. After all, you should be transparent in this or you will never be able to dump your garbage and move on...or in. So I got started with my answer, and my rant. I even carried it into the next three questions.
Reflection Question 4: When I am ready, I can bring my unanswered questions to God. Am I willing to release my unresolved issue to God in spite of not having answers? I can tell my Father what I feel about my losses and then be still and listen for His voice. What is He speaking to me today?
My Answer: Ha! When I'm ready? I'm ready now! Unresolved issues and no answers? Rant, rant, rant, rant and a lot more ranting. It is even hard to read my own writing because of the emotions I was releasing but as you can see in the next part of questions, I can tell my Father how I feel! Therese even said it was okay!
Well, I was trying to make up time and get on with Day 22 but I was feeling spent after all the ranting. I realized how easy it is to think you are trusting God with His Master Plan and now it looks like I really haven't. And for MANY YEARS I haven't trusted him apparently. Garbage dumping pent up emotions is hard work! A lot of what I wrote about with my emotions and ranting didn't even have anything to do with losing a loved one. Once I got started it just seemed to flood out. I'm not going to share specifics but I have the feeling you all know what I'm talking about here. If not, humor me and just say you do.
I tried to start Day 22 again the next morning but found myself having another conversation with God, still, about Day 21. Even though I wasn't doing much listening, I am starting to feel much better; lighter than air better. Even though tomorrow is supposed to be Day 40, I think I will just see if I can finally get started on Day 22.
The good news is that He still loves me and I feel closer to Him. Weird how it works that way isn't it? Hope you are all doing well on your own 40 Day Journey if you started it with me. I look forward to hearing your testimonies. Remember, the deadline to receive testimonies for the Gift Certificate drawings is May 30th by 12:00 noon Pacific time. You can watch me do the drawing on Free Live Streaming of Graham Cooke, Thursday evening May 31st. (see our banner info with Graham on www.healingrooms.com)
If you are not doing the 40 Day Journey, here are some books to check out below.
Thanks for listening.
From the Lion's Den,